They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really. Then explain to me how a put-put golf company operates.

Sometimes horoscopes seem to very accurately give insight into your life. The guidance given about my day/week/month is so vague that it could apply to everyone. Really?! I am going to have a 2-star day? Dammit! I am getting so screwed. If only Venus would move out of my sign there would not be a ‘pressure (that) builds no matter which direction (I) turn.’ And tonight’s suggestion: ‘Ever playful,’ what the hell does that even mean?

I think horoscopes have about as much insight into my life as that drunk guy that sat next to you in the bar last week. However, recent revelations about our lives have been conveyed through a very powerful medium… Television.

As some of you know, my life has given many a sitcom enough fodder for entire seasons of hilarity. Case in point… Remember the time I went to the DMV to pick up my new license plates and was given the “ASSMAN’ vanity plates for that proctologist? Or the time that I got everyone to start eating their Snickers bars with a knife and fork? Or the hilarity that ensued when I had a shop that only sold the muffin tops and I had a huge pile of the muffin bottoms and my enemy ‘Newmon’ had to come eat away the problem?

Generally something hilarious happens in my life and later someone turns it into broadcasted gold, but recently something eerie has occurred. Animated cable programs have begun to reflect my life, and even to predict it. How could they possibly know what I am doing here in Jamaica in order to portray accurate versions/visions of my life? It has invaded the subconscious of Erin too!

*Side Note* Today one of the kindergartners mentioned that he thought my name was Hola Patrick. As in Hola as a first name, how did he get that mixed up? Does he think that when I see people I have not yet seen in awhile that I just shout out my own name?

Anyway if you want an animated representation of what has been happening (or soon may happen) in our lives just check out the following shows: for Erin tune into SpongeBob Squarepants and for me episodes of South Park. Recently SpongeBob has been terrorized by a monster moth similarly to Erin’s run in with Jamaican Mothra. He also mirrored her fungal dilemma when he got infested with ‘Ick,’ a fugus covering his entire body. Plus SpongeBob’s best friend is a starfish named Patrick, what are the chances? And to view a microcosm of my tribulations concerning Cable and Wireless, watch the most recent episode of South Park. “Which lights on your modem are on?” Seriously though… just unplug the router and plug it back in, it will probably fix the problem.

On an episode yet to be aired, we had to travel to Kingston for our quarterly meetings. Every trip to Kingston comes with its own interesting story, usually on the bus ride to or from. Well on the ride home I was wedged between the window and una chica muy grande. What makes this situation more entertaining (for you readers) is that my stout seat sharer was pretty into playing corners. The ride from Kingston is wrought with hairpin turns causing the heavily perspiring, plump she-beast to smash me into the window at every bend. She gave zero effort to hold herself upright. I was gravely concerned that I would be shattered through the glass. Luckily the bus window withstood the pressure and I was spared a distressing ejection from my transportation. But my bus buddy was not the only muy grande traveling with us, it was like our bus was headed to fat camp instead of MoBay. There was so much (wo)man-mass that we were riding both axels… BOTH AXELS! The logistics of this are astounding, how is this possible with food prices what they are?


Sooo, what lessons have we learned? When piloting a TV show make it about me and check local listings of South Park and SpongeBob for a little flavor of our life.

Art does really imitate life… Tricio

p.s. If something horrible should happen to any of the main characters, such as dying, be sure to call and warn us. Also should any large amounts of ice cream be in the future, let that be nice surprise.